Monday, May 10, 2010

"You turn me into somebody loved"

Betty White hosted Saturday Night Live this weekend, and after a long night at work, I sat on my mothers sofa, dog-sitting, cackling at every damn skit. When my grandmother was alive we used to watch The Golden Girls together, and I would tease her and call her Betty White because they looked so much alike, but also because Rose Nyland was so incredibly chipper, and optimistic and silly...just like my Bamie... It may be overkill for the people closest to me, because I cannot say it enough, but I miss my grandmother so deeply and so dearly that I can barely talk about her without either laughing, or tearing up. I think of her daily as I fidget with the garnet ring that she wore every day, or when Sara makes an expression just like hers. Or just because I have done something I want her to be proud of... or if I am just feeling all alone. No one person ever has, or ever will love me as much as Bamie did. The good part of that is a million and one amazing memories, but also that I learned how to love, and how it feels to be loved.
I am told that her mother, Nana, as we call her in the family, used to say that you are lucky if you can say that you have 2 or 3 true friends. I'm a very social girl, I genuinely love people. I am always meeting new folks, getting to know them..ALWAYS sharing about myself. I get burned sometimes by that...but I wouldn't have it any other way. There is a core though, an "inner sanctum" as my dear friend Laura calls it, of people that have come into my life and flawlessly loved me, without conflict, without walls, without judgement, without drama.
They laugh at my crazy homelife, and they love my children fiercely, even when they're shits. They show up for birthdays, break ups, and ceremonies, and jewelry parties, and races, and hear it in my voice when I have something to say. They are always on my side. They believe in me. They see potential in me that I cannot always find. They sing songs with me, drink too many drinks and dance with me, and get my stupid jokes. They know I will scratch their cd's all to hell but let me borrow them anyway. They tell me each in their own tone that I am, strong, badass, capable, inspiring..."tough like grizzle", and because they say it, I try to be those things that much more, even when I don't believe it. They tell me to smile until I squint, and to be me without apologies, even when I fail. I often do, but that's ok because I make perfect sense to them. They have been around and seen guys come and go, and other friends come and go. The same people, year after year are there...not waiting to see who I am going to eventually change into, because I am already enough, just as I am.
I love them back, deeply and fiercely and blindly, because they are, in my eyes, exactly who they are supposed to be, and how they are supposed to be. Their laughs are home to me, their roles in my chapters familiar and irreplaceable. The incredible void I had for years after losing Bamie has been bridged with a cozy patchwork quilt of folks that I just call my people. My people are my world. At the end of every day I think we all just want to love and be way or another. I am scattered a lot of the time, and don't say near enough how lucky I am, and how much I appreciate the amazing core of people around me that insulate me with pure, simple, untainted love. I am rich, rich, rich and oh so thankful. You all know exactly who you are. I love you!

"Rain turns the sand into mud
Wind turns the trees into bone
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved"

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

I know our days are heaven sent...

"To those who think they hold the cards, I send out my kind regards
To those I love, and those who care, I'll meet you down..the road somewhere"- The SteelDrivers

My heart, very much like the moon, waxes and wanes. I lose track of it sometimes when it wanes... checking off my grocery list at Wal Mart, doing the dishes... those uninspired moments that honestly take up most of the day. And really, life is not supposed to be all rainbows and butterflies ALL the time because it is real. And it is hard. But always there are a million moments of lightness all around, and the ones that are meant for me stick. There are opportunities all day every day to look and listen for clues from heaven that I am alive. That my heart may be overwhelmed with questions and worry, but it always has the capacity to wax, and beat so that I can physically feel it in my chest. Little moments of coming alive in long days of simply living, are for me, what it's all about. I feel my heart swelling when a breeze reminds me that the seasons are changing, or in belly laughs with my friends on borrowed time... maybe even in a heartache..and always in the music that is gifted to me by dear friends. Every little thing about this song makes my heart wax:

Heaven Sent- The SteelDrivers